


i want you so badly but you could be anyone

by captain_emmajones



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: (but it ends well), Angst, F/M, a lot of it, and emma is really shaken up, and he loses his memory, cursed lips, killian is cursed but zelena thinks cs needs a little push to kiss, memory loss au, post 3x17, so she pushes him outside of storybrook, your local angsty writer brings you your favorite mutual pining sess in storybrook
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25285609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captain_emmajones/pseuds/captain_emmajones
Summary: Post 3x17. Zelena thinks Hook takes his sweet time to kiss Emma. Therefore, she decides to accelerate their fate: she pushes him over the town line and he loses his memory. As expected, Emma is seriously shaken and gets closer to a pirate who doesn’t remember knowing her. With no one to warn Emma against Hook’s kisses, the plan of the wicked witch might just work."Seeing Hook in the morning was always a difficult experience. She could deal with his innuendo, and his swagger, but she hated his first gaze, over a morning sun, the tenderness sparkling in his blue eyes.It was hard to hide the way her breath got caught in the warmth of her chest."
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones & Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	i want you so badly but you could be anyone

**Author's Note:**

> For the anon who left me a prompt in my tumblr inbox, thank you hun <3 Hope you'll like this.

**Two thoughts, equally as terrifying: WHAT IF I SEE YOU AGAIN? WHAT IF I DON’T? – Margaret Schnabel.**

She should have seen it coming. A part of her did. It had all started with a weird feeling that had lingered through the week. She had suffered from terrible nightmares, and had woken up with a smell stuck in her lungs; a smell of alcohol, of hospital that had fed into her anxieties.

It hadn’t been helping her either that Hook had chosen this specific week to avoid her at all cost.

She was yearning for her simple life, back in New York, now more than ever. She knew there would no way out before they had defeated the Wicked Witch, but she was growing impatient.

Once in New York, everything would be back to normal. No more magic, no more villains, and no more pirates to haunt her.

.

Except it obviously wasn’t this easy.

It had all started with a call from Leroy.

“Emma, there are flying monkeys all over the town line. Again.”

Her blood had turned cold. Not after Neal, and…

“Alright, I’m coming.”

_One step closer to New York_ , she tried to cheer herself up. It only made her stomach twist.

Of course, it had been more than a few flying monkeys lost on their way home.

She had called David, who had said he was busy. “Doesn’t matter,” she had muttered in a poor attempt to hide her hurt feelings, “I’ll call Hook.” And so she did, in spite of her pride.

.

“Thank you for driving me, mate,” exclaimed Hook as he got out of the car.

“It’s alright, Hook,” replied David, and his tone was the friendliest it had, well, ever been.

The sun was shining on this spring day, and he squeezed his eyes to discover his Swan by the town line. Somehow, his heart still managed to sink down to his feet.

A smell of spring, of new beginnings and hopes filled the air. He could not bring himself to be cheerful.

There was no beginning for Emma and him. She glanced at them on hearing them arrive, and she gave him a small smile. It was enough to make his heart beam, but darkness was quick to swallow him alive once again.

He couldn’t be, wouldn’t be, the reason of her demise.

Not when she had brought him back to life.

.

Seeing Hook in the morning was always a difficult experience. She could deal with his innuendo, and his swagger, but she hated his first gaze, over a morning sun, the tenderness sparkling in his blue eyes.

It was hard to hide the way her breath got caught in the warmth of her chest.

She sighed to chase down a feeling she didn’t want to deal with as they approached.

To say she was surprised to see David with Hook would have been an understatement.

“Weren’t you busy?” she asked, but David only nodded. “I’m never too busy for my daughter.”

The last word caused her to wrinkle her nose. She still had a hard time coming to terms with that.

“Alright, let’s catch this flying monkey,” she muttered, annoyed but already far more confident in her magic abilities.

Stretching her hand towards the flying creature, she remembered her lessons with Regina. _Focus, Emma. Think. Feel it._

Any newbie would have seen this flying monkey for the distraction it was. In her blind desire to defeat the witch as fast possible, she didn’t.

It went to hell in the blink of an eye.

The first thing she noticed, focused on her task, was the confusion in Hook’s voice. “David, what the bloody hell are you doing?”

But focused on her mission, she did not put much thought into it. They were bickering, as usual.

She squeezed her eyes, pearls of sweat birthing on her forehead. The beast was fighting back, and this was taking more strength than she had anticipated.

“Mate, what the hell!” And this time she was unable to ignore the panic in Hook’s voice. 

Letting the beast go, she made a sharp turn to face another battlefield.

And something seemed to die inside of her.

“Hook!” the guttural scream escaped her throat against her will. She ran towards him.

How could she have prepared to see this? David wasn’t really David, and David had pushed Hook on the other side of the town line.

“I’m so very sorry, Emma.” Zelena’s voice resonated, and she discovered the Wicked Witch. David had never been there. Just like he had told her. “I simply couldn’t wait.”

Before Emma could fight back, the witch disappeared in a giggle of green smoke.

Mortified, she stared at Hook’s body lying on the ground – on the other side of town. 

.

She was quick to come at his side. His lips was bruised, and she lifted slowly his head from the concrete to make sure he wasn’t bleeding.

Her hands were shaking beneath his scalp, and she felt an overwhelming panic birth inside of her. No blood on her fingers, this was already a good sign.

He eventually grunted, and she exhaled loudly as tension left her body. He opened his eyes, wincing with pain.

“Bloody hell,” he grumbled, his hand coming overs her on the back of his head.

It made her heart smile. At least, all of him was not gone.

“You’ll be okay,” she firmly stated, and she was impressed by the calm of her voice.

The blue of his eyes was suddenly on her, full of defiance, and it abruptly felt very lonely to be alive without him knowing her.

She offered him a smile, hoped he couldn’t see her heart breaking.

“Your name is Killian,” she began explaining. “You don’t know me, but I’m Emma. I’m your f-friend.”

She mustn’t have sound very convincing judging by the eyebrow he raised. He considered her for a few seconds.

And exhaled: “Why should I trust you?”

She didn’t expect it to hurt this much.

(He was the one who had always begged her to trust him, and she had been so reluctant to do so. Not because of anything he had done, but because of her past, and she had been so unfair, but it was too late.)

She swallowed, a lump in her throat. This spring afternoon suddenly felt much colder. His eyes had always been so warm on her face.

“Because I’m your friend,” she repeated, and her rising panic was starting to show in her shaky tone, “I am rescuing you right now,” she explained and she didn’t even manage to fool herself.

(Whatever this was, it wasn’t saving. It was terribly lonely.)

She made a pitiful liar for someone able to detect lies.

His eyes made a back and forth on her face. Then, he smiled. It froze her blood.

“You’re lying.” His tone was merciless.

It felt like a knife into her chest. But she felt like she deserved it.

She stared at her fingers stretched on the concrete next to them, two seconds, to recompose herself. Prepare her next attack.

“You’re right,” she finally said. “We’re not friends.”

He nodded, one hand over his chin, and why was she the most troubled one when he had lost his goddamn memories?

In a grunt, he began standing up. She offered her hand in support, but he declined.

Her heart sank to her feet, and she tried her best to conceal it. It was fruitless, for she saw the knowing look on his face. He was testing her.

“Let’s take you to the hospital to make sure everything is alright.”

He still decided to come with her. That was something.

.

Not a word in her car, and she didn’t get it. Why didn’t he trust her? ( _Why, as if you had your reasons?)_ She almost wished Hook’s endless ability to talk would be back.

Now, she was waiting for Regina to finish her magical examination, sitting alone on a plastic chair. She was looking for any kind of curse her wicked sister could have cast on the pirate.

Emma was anxiously tapping her fingers on her thighs when Mary Margaret came in.

“Emma, are you okay?” she asked her right away with this very maternal tone that made Emma’s skin crawl.

Her hand found Emma’s shoulder, and she tried her best to relax into her touch.

“I’m okay,” she finally answered, “it’s Hook, I’m worried about.”

From where she was standing, she could see the back of his head. Zelena had hit his face, and his undereye was already turning purple.

Mary Margaret’s hand was very soft against Emma’s fists. “Relax, Emma,” she finally whispered, one hand gently caressing her hair, “He will be alright.”

She was thankful Mary Margaret did not ask her too many questions, earlier over the phone. She had given a very neutral tale of their afternoon.

A breath. She couldn’t stare for too long at her mother. Her whole attention was devoted to the pirate who didn’t remember.

(Who had forgotten her.)

“You two will be alright.”

Her head was hurting. There was a lump in her throat, and tears came to burn her eyes. “I know,” Emma replied.

_I just want him back._

The words were not uttered but it seemed like Mary Margaret heard them anyway. 

Emma licked her lips, overwhelmed, and took a step back. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she mumbled, and disappeared before her mother could see how shaken she truly was.

.

Snow White saw her daughter flee to the bathroom, and felt a weight rest over chest.

She wished she could have been with Emma, at the town-line. So did David, but he was dealing with sheriff duties.

Her daughter was trying to hide her feelings from her, just like she had always done since they had met, two years ago. Snow glanced at the dark-haired man in the room in front of her.

Emma was hiding her feelings for him.

Snow lowered her gaze when she met his blue eyes. No recognition in them, but she felt judged. Perhaps did she deserve it.

She had pushed Emma towards Neal, and now she had lost him, and Hook didn’t remember her anymore, and –

She remembered what it had felt like to forget Charming. She remembered the pain she had seen in his eyes when she didn’t know them. When she didn’t love him.

It was the very same pain she had seen in the green of her daughter’s eyes, filled to the brim with tears she was trying to hold back.

_You will have to be kinder, Snow White._

.

Regina looked embarrassed when she came to meet Emma and her mother, and an alarm rang in Emma’s mind. Regina simply wasn’t someone who was got embarrassed.

“He will be alright,” began the mayor, one hand playing with the expensive silk of her shirt, “but it will take some time to gather the ingredients to bring him back.”

Emma frowned. “What aren’t you telling me?”

The mayor paused, seemed to measure her words.

“I think Zelena cursed him.”

Emma felt her stomach twist. Anger shook her heart. “You think?!”

She was unfair, but she needed answers. Regina lowered her heard. “Yes, Emma. I cannot be sure because something is blocking me from seeing the curse…”

Emma wasn’t listening anymore. She was staring at the man in the other room, who was staring back at her but was unable to _see_ her.

.

“Hello, love,” he greeted her when she stepped into his hospital room.

When she turned around to face him, she did not see the usual gentle glimmer in his eyes. Instead, a smell of disinfectant burned her lungs. She hated it.

“Hi there,” she greeted back, and she even painted a smile over her lips.

He tapped the empty space in his bed, inviting her to sit next to him. She held her breath.

“If we’re friends,” grinned the pirate, “then there’s no need to be afraid.”

She licked her lips and forced herself to step forward. “How are you feeling?” she asked, mostly to hide how flustered she truly was when she sat by his side.

His smell filled her lungs in an instant, and it soon became overwhelming. She had avoided being this close to him in weeks now since,… since she’d been back from New York.

Since he had brought her back. ( _I came back to save you.)_

“Good,” he answered, and he was looking at her with an amused smile, “except I have no memories of who I am, but that’s quite alright.” He shrugged his shoulders, “They’ll come back eventually.”

She blinked. He was lying. But she was going to let him. She didn’t feel like getting into a fight.

“Regina is working to get them back, don’t worry.”

He nodded, stared at his knuckles bent on the bed. He looked so much younger in his hospital clothes, without his heavy coat as armor. 

She opened her mouth. She wanted to reassure him. Thus, she did what she had not done since Neverland: she reached for him. She softly grabbed his hand.

Little sparkles ran through her arm. She ignored them as best as she could.

“You will be alright,” she affirmed, her eyes diving into his. _We will be alright._

He considered her then, examining her face, searching for the truth.

And then, he exhaled a very small whisper: “Why do I feel like you’re in love with me?”

She stopped breathing. Suddenly, her lungs seemed to beg for oxygen. Her brain had disconnected and she was staring at him as if _maybe, yes, she was in love with him_.

She stoop up urgently. “I-, I’ll see you later.” And she was gone.

.

He ruffled his hair. This Emma was a weird lass.

He stared at the closed door. He had said “Why do I feel like you’re in love with me?”, he had truly meant “Why am I in love with you?”

And most importantly: “Why don’t you want to love me?”

.

Regina took two weeks to find a solution, and Emma decided it was her duty to take care of Killian.

It was somehow easier to be kind to him, when he didn’t remember who they both were.

She had given him nothing but coldness and harsh words. He had thrown his life away for her. She was _so_ angry at him for it.

Nobody deserved this kind of devotion, and especially not her.

Eventually, he would figure it out. She just had to wait.

.

Hook was quickly deemed stable enough to live alone in his room at Granny’s, and Emma helped him move.

“Alright, well. Thank you for the help, Emma” he beamed at her as she stood at his door.

Outside, a summer sky drew attention to its purple sunset. A dim light filtered through the colored windows as she discovered his room for the first time from the threshold.

Everything was perfectly in order. It had a lot to do with the fact that he had so little _things_ of his own.

“My whole life fits in a bloody box, apparently,” he had smiled a few minutes ago.

There was a lump in her throat. She had never thought Hook to be the kind of person whose life fitted into a box. (The kind of person she was.)

“Goodnight, Killian.”

Something tasted bitter, in her mouth.

“Goodnight, Emma.”

Why was she so upset?

.

That night, finding sleep was a real struggle.

She was thinking about Hook hanging out at Granny’s, she was thinking about the dinners she had spent with her family and he simply wasn’t there, and she had looked for him everywhere but he didn’t want to be find.

She was thinking about Hook’s face when Belle showed him the laundry. It must have been hard to adjust to Storybook.

She had never showed him around. Why didn’t she have?

She turned in her bed. He had never asked. Yes, but Hook wasn’t really the type to bother people…

She cursed herself silently. She had spent most of her life, on the side, not belonging anywhere and she had done the very same thing to him.

Why?

Because she hated the fluster of her heart when he was looking at her.

.

The next day, she showed up to his door with Granny’s takeaways and a bottle of wine.

“Fancy a cheese grill?” she grinned when he opened the door in a white t-shirt and black sweatpants.

It took her a lot of willpower not to stare too long, but she did so quite successfully.

Amnesic Killian had nothing against modern clothes, apparently.

“If you ask so nicely,” a smile and he stepped backwards to let her enter his room.

To be honest, there was a moment of panic in her mind as she stepped into his private space. She felt her heart jump in her chest but she fought her instinct to run.

When she breathed in to calm herself, her lungs were filled by his smell and it only made her heart beat faster.

“Are you alright, Emma?” He inquired, probably seeing her turn pale.

She exhaled, took off her red leather jacket. “You call me Swan,” she affirmed, and her tone seemed cold but really, it had been bugging her and—

“Oh, alright, Swan,” and he was smiling again.

He was unfair.

She licked her lips. “Let’s eat?”

.

The night went very smoothly. He still managed to be charming, without his memories. And she was more carefree, knowing he didn’t remember her.

She didn’t want to think about afterwards, when he would have his memories back and these moments engraved in his mind.

She wanted him to know she cared. It was simply too much to look at him when he was truly seeing her and to tell him so.

“You hit me on the head with a compass?”

Wine was coloring his cheeks red, and she knew the same hue was over her cheeks, but she didn’t care.

“Well, you did deserve it.”

The disaster came sooner than expected.

Alcohol made them both bolder as they sat on opposite side of the bed, legs crossed. It wasn’t a romantic atmosphere per see, it could have been friendly. But not for them.

As for Emma, the voices in her head were finally silent and she felt so much lighter. She didn’t want to take advantage of the situation when he didn’t remember her. But then he was bending towards her, and his brown hair was forming a sinful halo around his handsome features, and she definitely wanted to kiss him.

(She knew her clothes would smell like him tomorrow. And just now, she didn’t mind.)

He had been talking about something for the last couples of minutes, and she hadn’t been listening. Instead, she had been staring at his lips, her own mouth mirroring its movement.

Why did she make things so complicated for her? If she wanted to, she could just kiss him!

She licked her lips, they still tasted of wine. “Swan, you’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?”

She nodded. Whatever. He was very handsome and she wanted to kiss him.

Her hand followed her thoughts and she grabbed the collar of his t-shirt.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” she warned him, and she saw his blue eyes go wider.

“Oh, alright. As you wish, Swan.”

It was enough for her to bend forward. She pressed her open mouth on his, drinking his breath. It felt pretty good, at the beginning. His hand was caressing her hair and she was holding him so very tightly, and a flower was blooming in her chest.

She didn’t feel it, at first, the pulse of magic leaving her. No, she was far too busy exploring his tousled hair and the muscles she could feel beneath his t-shirt, and his skin, and his smell, and,…

And suddenly a very sharp pain forced her to let go, and she felt like an organ had been ripped from her, and before she knew it she was crying on his shoulders.

_She was dying. She was dying._ Except she wasn’t. Reality settled into her mind as she sobbed uncontrollably.

“My magic,” she articulated, wheezing, as he held her tightly against him, “it’s gone.” And she was crying harder, as if she was burning alive, holding on to his shoulder for dear life.

.

As it were, losing her magic wasn’t fire. It was void. Empty. 

Regina examined her the next day, and came to the same conclusion she did. Zelena had cursed Killian’s lips to take her magic away. It explained his distance before the whole amnesia.

“Zelena knew you couldn’t stay away from the pirate. Damnit, Emma, couldn’t you wait for me to know what was going on?!”

She stood up of the examination chair.

“Whatever, Regina. Leave me alone.”

She was done with her shit. She wasn’t responsible for this whole mess.

Realization hit her. She hadn’t thought about New York since Hook – _oh_. She frowned, fisted her hands, angry at herself.

Regina was right. She was an idiot.

.

She avoided Hook for the rest of the week, was particularly skillful in not crossing his path although they were both sleeping at Granny’s.

Back to square one and treating him as if she did not care.

.

Regina finished the memory potion a few days later. They all came to her office to welcome Killian back amongst them.

(She stood as far she possibly could, against the wall. She was terrified to have him back.)

“Well, cheers, mate,” chuckled Killian and David gently patted his shoulder.

She smiled. She was glad David offered him companionship.

He glanced at her one last time, she held her breath, and he drank the potion. He closed his eyes and she instinctively took several steps forward to make sure he was alright, her hands stretching towards him. (As if she was ready to hold him if he were to fall.)

There was a silence. And finally, “Did you miss me?” and Hook grinned vibrantly.

She sighed of relief. Before fleeing Regina’s office, she saw from the corner of her eye David hug the pirate.

.

A warm breeze greeted Hook when he stepped outside the mayor’s office. It felt as if he had just woken up from a dream.

“Are you going to be alright?” asked Snow White on reaching his level, and she seemed genuinely concerned for his well-being. This was new.

Hook smiled at her. “You do not have to worry about me, your majesty.”

Snow nodded and squeezed his arm, and her sudden friendship surprised the pirate. 

Once alone, he began his way towards Granny’s. He had nowhere else to be, for now.

Of course, he had expected Emma to flee, especially after their shared moment. It did not mean it was any less painful, but he understood where she was coming from.

At least, he could find comfort in the fact that his big secret was out. He still had to get ready for his next confrontation with Emma. She would want answers.

.

In truth, he didn’t really expect her to be sitting at his desk, waiting for him in his bedroom. But then again, he wasn’t that surprised.

“Pirate,” he smiled.

She had only switched on the small desk lamp. The purple and pink sunset outside could be seen from the window behind her. She looked almost angelic, with her hair down dusted of gold by the dying sun. There was no grin on her face. She was sitting up straight, ready to judge him.

He took off his heavy coat.

“We need to talk,” she attacked right away.

He sighed, folding it properly on the side of his bed. “I know, Swan. Let’s talk.”

She was quick to draw her weapon. “Why did you lie to me?”

There it was. He grunted loudly and sat on his bed. “I did not lie to you. I didn’t know how to let you know the bloody witch had cursed me,” he explained, his patience wearing out. He was exhausted. He just wanted to rest. “She threatened your boy. I had no choice.”

She wasn’t satisfied, he could see it in the slight movement of her jaw. “Well, if you had told me about the curse, then, then I—”

“—You wouldn’t have kissed me, yes I know, Swan.”

He had probably sounded harsher than intended but he was tired of defending himself. Emma seemed to be burning with wrath. Even the dimness of the room couldn’t hide that her cheeks had turned red. She was probably ashamed. He didn’t like that thought.

“Forgive me for losing my memories. Oh, _right_ , it wasn’t my fault.”

_Oh_ , if looks could kill, he would be long gone.

She stood up in the blink of an eye. “You should have told me about the curse as soon as you could, end of discussion,” she hissed, one finger pointed at him.

He could barely make out her features now, but he stood up too. He wasn’t very fond of feeling lectured. And he was too exhausted to be gentle tonight.

“Do you realize that your anger is misplaced, Swan?” he hissed at his turn, and he imagined she was frowning.

“Misplaced, uh? And what do you mean by that?” They were both fuming now.

The truth had to come out now. “I mean that you’re trying to lash out on me because **you** kissed me.” He paused, considered her face as she took a step back, visibly shaken. “The truth is you are bloody mad at **yourself** for having feelings for **me**.”

He hit a sensible cord. She rebelled immediately. “I have **no** feelings for you, Hook,”, she spat and suddenly invaded his personal space, “but I would rather from now on that you keep yours to yourself!”

“Is that so?” He defied her, bit his lower lip.

“Yes.” She stood her ground, glaring at him.

She stepped to the side, ready to leave. But he couldn’t let her, not like that. He grabbed her arm and –

“What are you doing, Hook—”

– crashed his lips on hers. She immediately stepped back, eyes open wide, and he knew he had made a mistake when her hand violently met his face…

“Fair enough…– " but then she was grabbing his collar again and, before he could react, she was kissing him passionately.

To say he was baffled by this sequence of events would have been an understatement. But he wasn’t the type to complain too much.

And thus, he let Emma Swan kiss him as long as she wanted to.

.

Later, much later, when they were both back from the past, they exchanged a long laughter.

“You were insufferable,” he confessed, sitting outside of Granny’s.

The cold was biting their cheeks but nothing could have faded their smiles.

“How dare you! You pissed me off too.”

And before he could fight back, she was kissing him again and really, he wasn’t one to complain too much.


End file.
